You haven’t left my thoughts. Ever. Not even once. To put it quite simply, I miss you. I miss the way you would confide in me. I miss the stories you would unfold in my ears. I miss feeling your smile even if it was only on the phone. I miss every moment lived with you. I despise every moment without you. I miss the portrait I’ve painted of you with my mind. And I could spend hours trying to explain why it still hurts, but it’s quite complicated and all I know is that I miss you. And sometimes I’d rather not know that you miss me too.
I would love to know why the thought of you still keeps me restless at the oddest hours of the day, but what I would love even more is to know if I have the same effect on you. Your eyes are still my favorite place to get lost in. Your heart is still the only place I can call home. Your arms are the single greatest comfort I’ve come to know. And call me crazy, but I don’t think you’ll ever understand the effect your smile has on me.
Sometimes when I look at you, I just want to kiss you. More than anything, I just want one kiss. A kiss to tell me that you trust your lips against mine. A kiss to prove to me that I can still see the world with my eyes closed. A kiss to remind me that actions do truly speak louder than words. I miss the paradoxical feeling of having my lungs filled with the sweetest air possible, yet still feel so breathless.
It terrified me that I had the responsibility of catching you when you said you were falling in love with me. Not because I wasn’t ready or that I wasn’t already in love with you, but because I’ve never been trusted with such fragile and genuine feelings before. I failed you. And now what terrifies me the most is that you request me not to be there to catch you.
But it already feels like an eternity ago when it was all so real. I traded away the happiness I found in your hands that fit so perfectly with mine. I traded away the peace I found when you rested your head on my chest to listen to my heart beat. I traded away the harmony I found in your voice when you talked me to sleep while I ran my fingers through your hair. I traded away the bliss I felt when you first called me Hun and made me realize that I would never be the same again. I traded away the way you made me feel that nothing else has compared or even come close to. And I’m afraid that nothing ever will.
I’ve lost you, and yet I still love you. A different definition this time around. A love that I’ve gradually learned from you. Unspoken. Unconditional. Resilient. You drive me crazy and keep me sane at the same time and I wouldn’t want it any other way. At times it hurts to love you, and it fills me with anger that I become ashamed to feel. Ashamed, not just for the wrong things that I have done, but also for the right things that I failed to do.
I forced myself out of a love that was given to me unconditionally. I forced myself into the dark, until I could no longer remember how to feel with my eyes. I forced my mind to believe that I loved you more than you ever loved me. But the worst part was selling my soul for a price I know I can never repay, and forcing myself into thinking that you never truly loved me because you never would’ve left. It brings a subtle devastation to my life knowing we could never be, because I was always willing to bet my life that you were meant for me.
You were the kind of secret I couldn’t keep to myself. And I didn’t really think about where it would end up because I was so enthralled in trying to recapture the best feeling that I’ve ever felt. No excuses. I turned my back on the one person that believed they could count on me. Never in a million years will I ever be able to forgive myself for destroying the world I once considered my everything. Not being able to have the only thing you want out of life hurts a lot more than they say it would. And I deserve every morsel of pain and suffering. I just hope one day that I’ll fully comprehend how much you truly loved me.
Think of this as a simple love letter- full of emotions I cannot express, telling you everything you should hear with the words only my heart could comprehend. You are everything when I’m convinced that I should be nothing at all. Simply put, thank you. For every second of your time, every ounce of your patience, every bit of your effort, and every drop of your love.
Since the day I met you, I only ever wanted to be with you. How easy it is to fall in love and yet so difficult it is to live knowing you love someone so very much that you would die a thousand deaths for them.
I had a wall built higher than soul can hope or mind can hide and then somehow you managed to find a crack in that hole. Now that wall has been reinforced and I never wish to be without it. I never want to love again if it hurts this much to lose it. The happiness of love is not worth this pain.
When I started that job, before I had even met you, I felt you. There was something in that building drawing me in, tempting me with something I could have only dared to dream of, a love so beautiful that it would take my breath away. And you did, I couldn’t breathe. I saw you and instantly my heart knew what it had waited so long for. I knew more about you in a few short months that I would about anyone else in a lifetime. I traced every part of you and memorized every freckle, forever burned into my head.
It’s always funny to me, matters of the heart. My heart that still continues to beat even when it’s been shattered in pieces. My heart that still has the ability to love even after its love has been ripped from it. The heart can be torn and thrown around, ripped, and shredded, and yet it still remains, there in our chest, forever beating against our skin, reminding us that we are alive and that a broken heart kills you in a much different way than death. My heart breaking has brought unbearable sadness to my life. A sadness that is so overwhelming that it has crushed my spirit and kills me ever so slowly. Every day it yearns for him, and every day that separates my from him it breaks a little more. Soon there will be nothing left of me but a shell of what I once was. A shell without the ability to love or feel or live.
They say that the heart that loves withstands the test of time, but the heart that loves and loses only has the strength to withstand what is left in the bitterness that follows a heartbreak. Time has only weakened me and brought about more sadness then I ever imagined.
My love, you have no idea how much I love you. No one on this earth has any idea how much. Every single love in this world is different and everyone loves differently. Never does the same love happen twice. Never will anyone love you the way I do, and for that, I am sorry. I did not chose this, and I would never chose for you to live the rest of your life with a mediocre love. I have loved you more than the sun, the moon, and the stars, and baby, you know how I feel about those damn stars. I am sorry that you may experience a love for someone similar to the love I have for you, but that that someone will never love you back with any of the same similarities.
This love is mine, never to be shared, and I will carry it for the rest of my life because I have been too much of a coward to tell you that I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. In that, I mean that I have loved you too much to be afraid of whatever life has to throw at me, for none of it matters and nothing is as terrifying as loving someone. The depth of my love is infinite and I never told you.